STAY TUNED

Number of physicians in the US: 700,000.
Accidental deaths caused by physicians per year: 120,000.
Accidental deaths per physician... 0.171 (U.S. Dept. of Health & Human Services)

Number of gun owners in the US: 80,000,000.
Number of accidental gun deaths per year (all age groups) 1,500.
Accidental deaths per gun owner: 0.0000188

Statistically, doctors are approximately 9,000 times more dangerous than gun owners.

A medical student was in the morgue one day after classes, getting a little practice in before the final exams. He went over to a table where a body was lying face down. He removed the sheet over the body and to his surprise he found a cork in the corpse's rectum. Figuring this was fairly unusual, he pulled the cork out, and to his surprise, music began playing, "On the road again . . . Just can't wait to get on the road again . . . "

The student was amazed, and placed the cork back in the rectum. The music stopped. Totally freaked out, the student called the Medical Examiner over to the corpse.

"Look at this. This is really something!" the student told the examiner as he pulled the cork back out again.

"On the road again . . . Just can't wait to get on the road again . . ."

"So what?", the Medical Examiner replied, obviously unimpressed with the student's discovery.

"But isn't that the most amazing thing you've ever seen?" asked the student.

"Are you kidding?" replied the Examiner, "Any asshole can sing country music."

A college student needed a small two-hour course to fill out his schedule. The only one available was Wildlife Zoology. After one week the professor gave the class a test. He passed out a sheet of paper divided into squares.In each square was a carefully drawn picture of some bird legs. No bodies, no feet, just legs. The test asked each student to identify the birds from their legs. The student sat and stared at the test and got more and more angry. Finally he stomped up to the front of the classroom and threw the test on the teacher's desk. "This is the worst test I have ever taken."

The teacher looked up and said, "Young man, you have flunked this test. What is your name?"

The student pulled up his pant-legs and showed the professor his legs and replied, "You tell me!"

If you make something idiot-proof, someone, somewhere, will make a better idiot.

Q: What is the difference between a women praying in a church and a women who is praying in a bath-tub?

A: The women praying in the church has hope in her soul...
And the women praying in the bath tub has soap in her hole!

A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little boy sees an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole." The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole."The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hair spray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. The boy then proceeds to put the worm back into the hole. The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hair spray and runs into the house.
Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the boy another five dollars. The little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars." The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from your Grandma."

A lady walks into food court and orders a burger. The huge woman behind the counter bellows, "One burger!" Ed the cook, who's even bigger and more disgusting, screams, "Bur-ger!", whereupon he grabs a huge hunk of chopped meat, stuffs it in his bare armpit, pumps his arm a few times to squeeze it flat, and then tosses it on the grill. The lady says, "That's the most disgusting thing I've ever seen."

The waitress replies, "Oh yeah? That's nothing. You should be here in the morning when he makes the doughnuts.

Two statues are standing in a park, they have been there for years naked staring at eachother. One day God comes down and brings them to life.

"You both may live for 1 hour to do whatever it is you plaese."

The male statue looks at the female one and asks, "Are you thinking what I'm thinking?".
"I sure am.", she replies with a smile.

With that they run off into the trees nearby. 30 minutes pass and they both emerge from the wood sweaty, panting, and laughing.

The male statues looks up and asks, "Want to do it again?".
She looks at him smiles and says, "Sure do, but this time you hold the pidgeons down and I'll shit on 'em!"

what does the ocean say to the beach? nothing! he just waves.

hecking out of the grocery store, I noticed that the bag boy was eyeing my two adopted children curiously. They often draw scrutiny, since my son is a blond Russian, while my daughter has shiny black Haitian skin.

The boy continued staring as he carried our groceries to the car.

Finally, he asked. "Those your kids?"

"Yes, they are!" I answered proudly.

"They adopted?" he asked.

"Yes," I replied.

"I thought so," he concluded. "I figured you're too old to have kids that small."

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